These are the feelings that I often have ever since I have started my journey as a Medical Sonographer. I am very sure that most students, or anybody who has started something new that has challenged them has felt these feelings, too.
I was always a really intelligent, and hardworking student. School was my strong suit. I always got high grades compared to my other classmates during my pre-requisite classes, and in high school.
Now that I am in a Health Science program with people at the same intelligence level that I am, it is harder to be one of the “top students” anymore. Everyone is just as smart as you, or even smarter. This of course, makes me feel very insecure. It is harder for me to stand out, or be special anymore.
This is when I begin to doubt myself. Feeling insecure about myself and the slower-than-I’d-expected progress I am making in this program makes me feel extremely doubtful.
“Is this the right career path for me?”
“Am I making the right decision?”
“Why did I do so poorly on this exam and nobody else did?”
“Why does 5 hours of studying I do everyday not help me at all?”
“Why can’t my brain retain information no matter what study method I used?
“I really don’t understand this, and everyone else seems to.”
“Why can’t I get a perfect Apical view of the heart in five seconds like she can?”
“Should I quit and try something else?”
“Maybe the medical field isn’t for me after all.”
All this doubting myself and my life decisions makes me feel incredibly lost and confused. This then leads me to having a lot of anxiety. I get so scared, and worried about my future and whether this is the right path for me. I am just 20 years old. Can I actually handle this? Am I going to make it? Am I going to fail this test? Am I going to get a C in a class? Am I going to be a good sonographer? Just typing this is making my heart race.
All of these fears and worries have been running through my mind all week, especially today. It happens to me a lot. I usually brush it off as a “All students deal with this” kind of thing. But then sometimes I really wonder. My friends, mom, and boyfriend all tell me that these feelings will pass, and that they are normal.
“You will be fine.”
“You worked hard for this. Don’t stop now.”
I just sigh, and say thank you.
But just a few minutes ago- I read a post from a fellow blogger, BonVoyageDoc. This blog post that she put up completely changed how I felt after reading it that I jumped out of bed at 11:56 pm tonight to type up this post about how she made me realize that I have potential and I really shouldn’t doubt myself like I do.
(Here is the post: Click to be inspired!)
What really got me is when she wrote:
And you still lie on your bed, staring at the ceiling—
wondering where on earth your passion traveled,
when your dreams vanished like a mist,
how your love for life left without even saying its goodbyes.
You still feel being dragged out of your bedroom—
unsure whether it is your body,
your will to work,
or your heart which is heavy.
Every line in this post made me say,
“Yes, that’s me.”
“Yes.. wow that’s how I feel.”
“Yup, so me.”
And then at the end I just felt so much better that I wasn’t completely alone with these feelings and I can overcome them, too.
The end leaves off with,
The way you put your heart to whatever you are doing—it matters.
And it hurts that your passion lost its flame.
But you still have the spark, you know.
Just a bit of friction.
Just a little push off the edge of your loneliness.
Just a walk around your favorite bookstore.
Just some more mugs of coffee.
And I know you’ll be able to finally move forward.
Ugh, yes! Bravo. This is a work of art in my opinion that totally changed my mindset within a minute of reading it. She is right. My drive was lost in all of my doubts and insecurities- as anxiety took over my brain, and passion diminished. But it’s not all completely gone because I haven’t dropped out. I haven’t stopped studying, and I haven’t said “screw it” and skipped a day of class.
I just needed that little spark to be relit, and a big thank-you to this lovely lady and her lovely blog post that did that for me.
If you feel this overwhelming “what am I doing with my life feeling” too, I really suggest you read her post to help snap yourself out of it! Again, this link will bring you to her post: Click to be inspired!
Thanks a bunch for reading.